Thirty-Two

There was a time when birthdays felt like they had to be loud.

A room full of people, a table filled with food, candles, balloons, and a camera capturing every moment. Maybe that’s what growing up looked like to me back then. But somewhere along the way, birthdays became quieter.

And somehow…

I started loving them that way.

This year, i turned thirty-two.

The morning began at the gym. It’s my time for pull day… probably not the most birthday-ish way to start the day, but it felt right. There’s something comforting about sticking to my routine, moving my body, and beginning this new chapter with strength instead of expectations.

After that, I head to a hivi! concert by the beach.

The concert has a picnic concept, so everyone bring picnic mat and sit on it while waiting for the music to begin. Most people come with their partners, families, or groups of friends.

And here i am.

Just me.

Sitting alone on my little picnic mat.

For a second, i wonder do i look a little lonely?

But honestly… It doesn’t feel lonely at all.

I manage to get a spot quite close to the stage, so the view is amazing. The ocean stretched beside the performers, the breeze carry the sound of the waves, and hivi! sing while the sun slowly softened the afternoon.

I bought mentai dimsum and an avocado shake, sit by the beach, and simply enjoy everything in front of me.

The music.

The sea.

The wind.

The moment.

It is probably one of the nicest birthday gifts i could have given myself.

The concert end before nightfall, so i’m not ready to go home just yet.

Instead, i go to Plaza Balikpapan because there’s a K-pop cover dance competition. I spent the evening watching different teams perform my favorite boy group and girl group choreographies. The energy is contagious, and i find myself smiling through almost every performance. They’re just..awesome! Cause i do really have interest in dancing but here i am in my 30s. Should i get a beginner dance class? Maybe it’s a yes!

Anw before heading home, I print a small Polaroid photo of Keonho from Cortis. Thanks to @manismanja20s

Looking back, i realized i spent almost my entire birthday alone.

And surprisingly…

I loved every second of it!

Not because i had no one.

Well, actually i do have a boyfriend, and yes! he remembered my birthday. So don’t worry 🤍

But this day isn’t about proving that i could be independent.

It’s about realizing that solitude and loneliness are two completely different things.

Being alone doesn’t always mean something is missing.

Sometimes it means you’re finally comfortable with your own company.

At thirty-two, i no longer feel the need to chase excitement just because it’s my birthday.

A peaceful day can be just as meaningful.

A concert by the beach.

A picnic blanket on the sand.

Good food.

Songs i love.

A K-pop dance competition.

A tiny printed photo.

And a heart that quietly whispered,

“This is enough.”

Maybe that’s what growing older is teaching me.

That happiness doesn’t always arrive with fireworks.

Sometimes it arrives as sea breeze.

As your favorite songs playing in the background.

As watercolor skies over the ocean.

As choosing yourself without feeling guilty.

Thirty-two feels softer than i imagined.

Less about becoming someone new.

More about appreciating the person i’ve already become.

And if this birthday is a glimpse of what this new year of life will look like…

I think i’m going to like it here.

Happy birthday to me.

Here’s to another year of collecting little joys, one ordinary day at a time.

Fita 🫶